Fleezle – Rants R Us

If Vince McMahon ran Major League Baseball

by on May.01, 2006, under General Stuff

Back when the Red Sox were playing the Rangers and there were discussions between the team and a certain currently unemployed former pitcher that I won’t name yet, I imagined this scenario, which is how things would have happened if Vince McMahon of the WWE were running Major League Baseball. I sent it to the Sports Guy, but he didn’t post it, so here is an expanded version…

Ross: Good evening folks!! Jim Ross here, along with Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler, here in the great Fenway Park for the first meeting between the home town Boston Red Sox and long-time rival New York Yankees!

Lawler: That’s right Jim! The “Evil Empire” is in town, and its going to be an old-fashioned donnybrook…

Ross: I have to say, so far through warmups Curt Schilling isn’t looking himself. He may have lost some weight around the middle, but he isn’t moving with the confidence he normally shows and his throws almost seem half-hearted.

Lawler: He’s definitely lagging, which you don’t want to see this early in the season. I don’t see any blood loss at the ankle, though.

Ross: Anyways, time to get this show on the road. First up, former Red Sox center fielder, Johnny Damon – who comes out stylin’ and profilin’ in a pinstripe Armani suit and new ‘do, with Derek Jeter close behind in a similarly styled outfit…

Lawler: And check out the bling on the Demon!!!

Ross: Him and Jetes both! I’m blinded!!! Damon is walking over to the announcer’s booth – he wants to say something to the crowd – I don’t think that’s a good idea…

Damon: Hey rats!!! How’s the sinking ship? Me n’ Jetes here, we’re ready to begin wiping up the infield with what you guys call your “team”. Now that I’m here with the REAL pros, along with my boys A-Rod and Big G, the Four Horsemen are going to win it all – we don’t need nine players, we can do it all ourselves!

Lawler: Uh-oh, I don’t think Gary Sheffield like that comment…look at his eyes…

Ross: Oh my god!!! Damon is down!! There is a baseball by his head – wait a minute, that came from the mound!! Schilling’s been standing quietly through this, but then blasted that ball like a laser! The gun reads 98 miles per hour!!

Lawler: Wait just a minute Ross! Schilling’s standing over by the Red Sox dugout!!! He’s laughing his head off!! But who’s on the mound?!?

Ross: Wait a minute – he’s standing taller now…he’s pulling off a mask…and his shirt…he’s wearing number 21 underneath…oh my god!!! It’s Roger Clemens!!! He’s pointing at the Yankees bench and smiling!! Read his lips…he’s saying “I’m BACK!!!”

Lawler: David Wells just came running out of the dugout and has decked Jeter…he’s pulling something out of his jacket – it’s scissors!!! He’s cutting up Damon’s new hair!!! Now what – he’s cleaning home plate with the hair!!! What humility!!!!

Ross: Both benches are clearing now!!! Now this is a real grudge match…


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